


And All This Devotion I Never Knew at All

by nowhiteflaguponmydoor



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s07e23 Preventative Medicine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 20:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhiteflaguponmydoor/pseuds/nowhiteflaguponmydoor
Summary: A coda to 7x23 "Preventative Medicine".





	And All This Devotion I Never Knew at All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daylight_angel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daylight_angel/gifts).



> Many thanks to Day for looking this over for me.  
> Title comes from Florence+The Machine's "Never Let Me Go".

The next batch of wounded occupies them for nearly the rest of the night; dawn is just starting to break when BJ and Hawkeye stumble out of the OR. They’re both beyond exhausted; between picking bits of shrapnel out of kids and their disagreement earlier over Lacey, it seems only fitting to trudge their way back to the Swamp and pass out until they’re needed in post-op or when more casualties arrive.

Hawkeye was uncharacteristically quiet in OR, and BJ followed his lead, not trying to rile him up for jokes or a song. While BJ cannot condone what Hawkeye did, he can see how this place is affecting him. BJ spends so much time thanking his lucky stars that he has Hawkeye to help keep him sane in this hellhole that he does not always think to consider the cost. Hawkeye, despite his endlessly playful demeanor, loves and feels so strongly that it’s no wonder that this place tears at him. BJ would give anything to take Hawk’s broken pieces and painstakingly mend them until he’s whole again, but Korea has taken so many pieces of them all that he doubts it would ever be possible, for Hawkeye or anyone else, even if he had the ability to do so.

Despite their moment in the Swamp earlier before the casualties had rolled in, Hawkeye is tentative and keeps space between himself and BJ when they walk back to the Swamp. Normally, they take up so much of the other’s space and it comes so natural to them, but this evening has strained that normal easygoing coexistence. They enter the Swamp one at a time and begin getting undressed for bed. Charles has a shift in post-op, so it’s just the two of them, and BJ waits to see if Hawk will cross this self-imposed divide between them and crawl into bed with him.

Hawkeye pitches himself into his own bed with a soft groan. BJ sighs.

“Night, Hawk,” he calls across the space between them. He hears Hawkeye shift and mutter “night, Beej.”

BJ frowns to himself. Their fundamental disagreement about the appendectomy and the heated argument that followed doesn’t mean he can stay mad at Hawkeye. He loves him too much to stay angry at him. BJ’s sure that by the time the appendectomy was done, he’d already forgiven Hawkeye, despite sulking with a martini in the Swamp. He forgives Hawkeye, but he hates that it happened in the first place.

BJ punches his sorry excuse for a pillow into something vaguely resembling support and lies on his back, arms crossed behind his head. He wonders how long Hawkeye is going to brood about this. If he were braver, he’d get up and pull Hawkeye into his arms, but he knows better than to try and pull him close when he’s like this; it only makes Hawkeye want to pull further away (physically and emotionally).

He watches the sky begin to lighten incrementally and his eyelids have begun to grow heavy when he hears a soft “Beej?” from Hawkeye.

“Mmmm? Wassit?” Hawkeye’s tone keeps the slight irritation of interrupted slumber at bay.

“...you know I didn’t mean it, right?”

BJ swallows. He assumes that Hawkeye is referring to screaming that he hated him. “When you said that you hated me?” he prompts.

Hawkeye lets out a breath that’s a little too close to a sob. “Yeah. Yeah. I don’t hate you, Beej. I’m sorry I said that. It’s the furthest thing from the truth.”

BJ’s heart hurts. It had hurt him to hear Hawkeye throw that at him, but he knew deep down that it wasn’t true. Hawk may hate this place, and himself, but not Beej. BJ isn’t sure of much anymore, but he is sure of that. He takes a deep breath before answering, and can hear Hawkeye’s increasingly shaky breath. “Yeah, Hawk. I know you don’t,” BJ says softly, tenderly. Hawkeye breathes out another whoosh of air that wobbles. They lie there in silence for a moment, and when he hears a muffled sniff from Hawkeye, he throws his blanket off and gets up and crosses the small space between them and sits on Hawk’s bed.

Hawkeye is turned away from him, curled into himself, like he’s trying to be small. His arms are wrapped around himself and BJ can’t take it. He slips himself into the cramped space and folds his body around Hawkeye’s. He fits his knees in the space behind Hawk’s and wraps his arms around him. Hawkeye tries to pull away from him, but BJ holds him fast and whispers “shhh. S’alright Hawk.” He noses Hawk’s hair and brushes it back from his forehead before running his hand through the silky strands. He takes one of Hawkeye’s hands and rubs circles with his thumb across it. Hawk shakes and brings BJ’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles before resting his cheek against them. His cheek is slightly damp. BJ tugs gently at Hawk’s hair. “Turn around,” he instructs.

Hawk obeys (surprisingly) immediately, though he won’t look at BJ once they’re chest to chest. BJ keeps one arm wrapped around Hawkeye’s waist and brings his other hand up under Hawkeye’s chin, forcing him to meet his gaze in the dim morning light. He cups Hawkeye’s face, making sure he’s paying attention to him. “There’s nothing you could do that would make me not love you.”

Hawkeye flinches and tries to pull back, but BJ doesn’t let him move. “I mean it,” he says.

Hawkeye’s eyes close and he shakes his head slightly. He looks so, so tired, and so very small, so _un-Hawkeye_. “I don’t deserve that. I really don’t.”

BJ wishes like hell that he could prove to Hawkeye that he deserves the whole world. He’d lay it at Hawkeye’s feet in an instant if he could.

“You do,” BJ says calmly, wiping the dampness from under Hawk’s eyes. “You’re not perfect, Hawk. None of us are. I love you anyway.” He kisses Hawkeye’s forehead. “What you did was wrong, Hawk. I know your intentions were good, but it was still wrong.” Hawkeye’s body is tense against him, and BJ squeezes him. “But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. And I know you didn’t mean it when you said you hated me. You forget, I know you better than that.”

Hawk opens his eyes and peeks up at BJ. He looks scared, and BJ knows he must be. Hell, they’re all in a constant state of scared. BJ clutches him tighter and Hawkeye takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Beej,” he whispers. He leans forward and rests his forehead against BJ’s collarbone. “I’m sorry. I...I Iove you too, Beej.” He punctuates this with a soft kiss to BJ’s chest.

BJ smiles. Hawkeye says those three words so rarely, but he’s never doubted the truthfulness to them. He kisses Hawkeye’s head. “Get some rest, Hawk. I’m not going anywhere.”

Hawkeye curls into him, taking a handful of BJ’s t-shirt in one hand, just to be sure.


End file.
